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To Feel Whole Again... Epilogue

 
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Coarse seat fabric rasped like sandpaper against the skin of my thighs as I slid into the back of the cab. The overweight sixty-something driver with four days of stubble and coffee-stained shirt leered with tobacco-yellowed teeth in the rearview mirror as he asked for the address to head for. No doubt his many years of hotel pick-ups influenced his immediate impression of me. A woman alone, hair wet from the shower, no luggage. It was pretty obvious, I suppose. Playing safe, I told him my sister's address, knowing that she'd be home. The low October sun dazzled as he spun the cab through a U-turn and toward the main road.We travelled silently through crowded city streets for a while before he asked, nonchalantly, "So do you charge by the hour or by the night?""Excuse me?"He looked thoughtful for a moment. "You're a classy-looking lady. I think by the night." He leered in the mirror again, baiting me for a reaction. I glared back at his reflection with an expression of disgust, then turned my attention to the shoppers walking by as we paused at a red light. "Yes," he continued, "yes, you're classy and expensive. How much did he pay?"I'd had enough already. "Just get me home in one piece," I retorted, angrily.He whistled. "Feisty! You must be a Dom. I like a strong woman. You wearing leathers under that jacket?" His phlegmy cackle was the last straw."Shut up and get me home. One more word and I'll report you." I eyed his driver photo ID badge on the dash and took out my phone. Shit! I'd forgotten almanbahis that the battery was flat. I pretended to hit a contact and held it to my ear. "Hi sis... Yeah, I'm on my way in a City cab... Anil Shah's driving me. We should be with you in about ten minutes. Put the kettle on, would you? I'm gasping for a cuppa... Yeah, see you in a few minutes."It must have been a convincing performance. Anil was stony-faced and silent with eyes on the road for the remainder of the journey. As we approached my destination I told him to pull over on the main road before my street. The meter flipped from £10 to £12.50. I stepped out of the cab and pulled a tenner from my purse, offering it to him through the passenger window."It's twelve fifty, lady""No, it's a tenner. Be grateful that you're getting that. Or would you prefer that I report you for your filthy mouth?"He glowered at me, spitting an Asian curse venomously in my direction before pulling away. I walked the last hundred yards to my sister's home and, as is usual, rang the doorbell and let myself in with the key she'd shared with me, shouting, "It's only me."Jo stepped out from the living room, beaming, arms outstretched, and wrapped them around me in a big bear-hug, "Hello 'me'!"Then it hit. Like a head-on collision with a juggernaut. The familiar, tidy, blue-eyed, hair-in-a-bun Jo, her warm, sisterly hug, her smell, the familiar, homely surroundings and sounds, the feeling of safety; all of this violently juxtaposed with flashbacks of almanbahis yeni giriş my meeting 'him' last night, sharing carnal lust with 'him', the parting with John only hours before that which now felt like a raw, open wound, a tear in my very soul. I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably into Jo's shoulder, overwhelmed by the turmoil of emotions washing through me. She hugged me tighter still, "Oh Maggie! What's wrong?" I was incapable of speech in that moment, drowning in guilt and shame, weeping with such all-consuming grief that the fierce sobs hurt my chest.It felt like an eternity before the sobs subsided enough that she led me carefully into the living room where we flopped onto the sofa. Jo still held me in her arms. I heard sorrow in her voice as she spoke calm, comforting words of love.Slowly, fatigue overcame the urge to sob and I regained some composure, though still unable to speak properly. Jo kissed my forehead, "I'll put the kettle on. We'll have a cuppa and you can tell me about whatever's going on so we can sort this out, okay?" She kissed my hand that she was holding and bustled off to the kitchen. There were sounds of clinking ceramics, a boiling kettle and pouring water. She returned with two white, steaming mugs of tea in one hand and a box of tissues in the other, holding the box out to me. I pulled out a tissue and dried my nose and face as Jo placed one mug on the coffee table and sat next to me on the sofa, curling her long legs up beneath her as if to settle almanbahis giriş in to read a favourite book. She watched intently as she took a sip of tea, waiting patiently until I was ready.It was difficult to know where to start. Jo and I don't keep secrets. We're incredibly close. She knows about how difficult life could be at times since John's accident. She had often helped out, particularly through rehabilitation with the months of physio sessions. In the early rehab days, she'd occasionally spent the night with us as John's carer while I caught up on sleep in the spare bedroom.I described how John had become increasingly concerned about the effect his situation was having on me. Beyond his worry and guilt about 'being a burden', he'd said he'd watched me become increasingly tired, jaded, weighed down by the responsibilities of care with little time to unwind. He said that I sang less and rarely laughed. But more than that, he knew that we would never again share the physical love life that we had. And it worried him deeply that given our formerly active and sensual intimacy that this lack of fulfillment was a fundamental part of my unhappiness."John asked if I would ever consider having sex with someone else," I continued, "and of course I rejected that outright. I told him straight that I could never love someone else. But he said 'No, that's not what I asked.' " It felt as if there were a thousand butterflies inside as I recounted this with Jo now. She presents herself as a very straightforward, conservative and traditional wife and I wasn't sure how she would react. "He said he thought I should meet with someone to help me appreciate that I'm attractive, to feel wanted, to help me feel sexually satisfied again."
01 Temmuz 2022, at 20:39
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